Well, I wake up in the mornin'
Each and everyday
And I sit down at the table and I hear my daddy say
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a slap in the face
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a fat rat race
Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Every night I have a dream
That you're takin' off your dress
The only thing you're wearin' is a button on your chest
And the button it says nothin'
Life is nothin' but a slap in the face
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a fat rat race
What is life
A rat race, a rat race
What is life
A rat race, a rat race
A rat race, a rat-rat race
Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah
It's a jungle out there and I know I don't belong
So all night long I just sing my stupid song
Get a body out in the rat, in the race
Get a body out in the rat
To the sound of the storm comin' strictly from the B-A-H-A M-E-N
Life ain't nothin' but a big rat race
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a slap in the face
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a fat rat race
Hi. I'm checking out. 14322.
- Mr. Schaffer? - That's me.
- I have your bill right here. - Great. Thank you.
- How was your luck last night? - I don't-- I didn't gamble.
I was here for a friend's bachelor party. I guess he's the gambler.
What's this $110?
- Those are your in-room movies. - I didn't watch any movies.
Okay, let's see. Afro Whores.
Afro Whores?
You watched it-- let's see-- 11 times.
Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4:00. Afro Whores, 5:30.
It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes...
and then switched back over to Afro Whores.
I swear I didn't watch it. I was at a bachelor party.
There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them.
- Take that off my record. - This is not a record, sir.
- It's a delete. - How many times did you watch it?
None! I didn't watch it.
Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action...
featuring two sexy soul sisters--"
I don't need to know what it's about. I did not watch it.
I didn't.
Drove 500, and Chipper Jones struck out in that key situation.
He's 0 for 5, lost three straight games.
This month he has a one-game winning streak.
Miss? Miss, can I have another one of these, please?
Oh, sorry. I thought you were a woman.
I am a woman.
You know, you look kind of familiar.
Yeah, you do.
You know, I get that all the time.
I guess I just have one of those faces.
And now for our loser of the week. This week it's a no-brainer.
Referee Owen Templeton made the biggest bonehead call...
in the history of football.
It happened last Sunday at Dallas with the score tied at 10.
They were headed towards overtime. Everything was cool.
They were about to toss the coin to see who would kick off.
- Dallas, call it in the air. - Tails.
- That's heads. - That was tails.
- No. It's-- - That was tails.
No-- Wait! Hang on! It's-- Now, what did I say?
- Tails! - It's tails.
- It's heads. - What are you doin'?
You saw--
Okay, little brother, just be cool.
Just be cool.
Okay, this is it. See that glass?
Walk across the lobby, slip on the glass, let gravity do the rest.
I might "eak" my neck.
True. You could break your neck. It's a risk I'm willing to take.
Why don't "oo" do it?
Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim...
and one of us needs to be the witness.
I'm your own brother. I don't know what you're sayin'.
How's your tongue? Let me see it.
How's it look?
It looks good. It looks much better.
Okay, here we go.
We're on Candid Camera, so make it look good.
Excuse me. I'm a lawyer. Gloria Allred.
- What the hell happened here? - She slipped on that glass.
Those arrogant jerks. They're gonna pay for this through the nose.
How's your neck? I've never seen such negligence.
This is going to be huge.
She's an angel.
What a cute little face. Would you look at those cheeks?
- She's absolutely beautiful. - She has your eyes.
It's the only picture I have of her.
It's all worn out 'cause I'm always looking at it.
- You haven't seen her for 27 years? - Not till today.
-She just called you out of the blue? -No, I found her.
I hired a detective. I spent all my money. Now we're going to meet.
- You think she'll recognize me? - Of course she will, won't she?
- Yeah. - She will.
Vera Baker.
My baby--
Excuse me. I have to take this.
This is Merrill.
No! That's unacceptable!
If we don't ship by Tuesday, we won't be in the stores by Mother's Day.
That's unacceptable, so don't give me any excuses, and do it!
Do it! Just shut up and get it done!
Oh, honey, you broke your phone.
It's okay. I carry extras.
- Why don't we sit down? - Yes.
You probably have a thousand questions for me.
I was young. I didn't tell anybody I was pregnant.
And I felt I could handle it at the time.
Hi. Do you think you gals could...
pull yourselves together and bring us a drink?
- Yeah. - Sure.
Sure. What would you like?
Mimosa.
They both want a mimosa.
So, you sell cosmetics?
Yeah. I have my own company.
And we're going public.
And you're not married?
- Lucianne said you wouldn't. - Who?
She's my psychic. She's the one who told me to come look for you.
She said you needed me.
- She did? - She said you were lonely...
and you were worried about money and you had trouble sleeping.
Who the hell isn't?
See? I told you we didn't need a bellman.
Yeah, well, congratulations, Randy. You avoided another tip.
Those nickels and dimes add up, my dear.
- I call this bed! - Hey, no fair.
- You got to pick last night. - Go to hell, Jason.
- Make me. - Hey, language, please.
- Bev, his and her bathrobes. - Yes.
- Look at that view. - Yeah.
- Nice view. - Okay, honey. Why don't you unpack?
- Okay. - I'm just gonna go look around.
Wait, wait, wait. You're not going to the casino?
No, no, of course not.
I just drove from the Grand Canyon. Gotta stretch my legs.
You swore to me on your mother's eyes we are here to see David Copperfield.
- No gambling. - I'm just lookin' around.
In fact, I'm gonna go to the gift shop.
I can jump farther than you.
- I can jump farther. - No way. Watch.
That's gotta hurt. Honey, kids need ya.
- Hey, Nick. Nicky! - Hey.
- You're not leaving? - I'm in court on Tuesday.
- No, you're not. - I work for people who are.
You pussy. You can't leave. It's still goin' on up there.
Richie, I have to. I've had two hours sleep.
Steve Cunningham just got another stripper. You got to see this one.
- She's incredible. - I got to get back.
No, you don't, Nick. I know you. You're scared.
You're scared it's gonna get out of control up there.
Someday you'll be up for attorney general and it'll haunt you.
- I'm not having this conversation. - You didn't even gamble.
Not one quarter. That's no way to live.
In fact, that ain't even livin'. It's hiding.
- I'm not hiding from anything. - Oh, no?
Okay, then prove it.
Do something, anything. Break one rule.
Here. Look. Nick, a paper. Come on. Take it.
Take it. Come on, Nick. Take it.
I have a plane to catch, okay?
I'll see you in Chicago.
Oh, look, I won! I won!
Look at the money comin' down.
Look. Look, look, look. What's-- What's--
"You're a winner. See guest services."
What? A dollar?
Come on, baby. Come on!
Come on.
We won!
- We won one. - What is this? This isn't money.
That's the prize? A free buffet?
Actually, it's not a buffet.
It's a special reception at 10:00 in the penthouse conference room.
"Where a spectacular...
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity awaits you."
That's all I know.
- What do you think? - I think it's some kind of scam.
Good! A scam! We'll do it.
- I'll need to see some I.D. - Okay.
There. I gambled.
Family vacation? These are the moments you got to savor, right?
- They'll never come around again. - Exactly.
Excuse me. Do you know what's going on?
Free grub. That's what's going on.
This room is fabulous.
- Does anybody know why we're here? - Beats me.
Oh, my God.
You should sue somebody.
I did it myself.
- What? - He did it himself from a kit.
I knew I recognized you. You're the referee-- the bonehead.
That's just the media blowing it out of proportion.
My hairdresser's husband lost $800 because of you.
- Everybody thinks we flip quarters. - Can I have a picture with you?
It's really a commemorative coin. Look.
- Smile. - Please. You--
Am I too late? Look. I won a coin.
A gold coin. Isn't this wonderful?
Look at this room.
What a beautiful room. Have you seen this room?
Yes! We're in it.
I am Enrico Pollini.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Enrico is a girl's name.
- No, I wasn't. - No pun intended.
- What pun is that? - Food. Look at all this food.
What a beautiful party. Little cockdoggies.
They're called cocktail wienies.
Wienies. I'm so sorry. My English is not so good.
But I'm learning.
That's it. Vera. We're outta here.
-I want to say good-bye. Bye, y'all. -Excuse me.
Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair. I own this hotel.
We don't have much time.
There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth.
The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet.
I built a bunker in the basement strong enough to withstand the blast.
There's room for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me.
When this is over, we will repopulate and re-civilize the planet.
I couldn't resist! I'm sorry.
A joke. He made a joke.
Do sit down, please. Merrill, you and your mother can sit over here.
- How do you know she's my mother? - Alas, there are no secrets anymore.
Actually, that's not quite true. There is one secret, one last secret.
It involves all of you.
- I'm getting goose pimples. - Hey--
Ah, Mr. Schaffer!
Curiosity got the better of you, eh? Come and sit down.
- I'm fine. Thanks. - You haven't missed anything.
We were just cutting to the chase.
Cutting to the chase.
Well, you'll laugh later.
Now, as you know, the odds against winning a jackpot downstairs...
or hitting the state lottery are astronomical-- millions to one.
A serious person doesn't even bother, but today...
you have the chance of playing a game...
where the odds of winning are one in six.
One in six.
It's one throw...
of the dice.
This is my attorney, Mr. Grisham...
who tragically was born without a personality.
Mr. Grisham insists anyone who wishes to participate in our experiment...
sign this waiver, absolving the casino from responsibility or damages...
personal liability, blah, blah, blah.
So, who do you like, Claude?
The young woman in the black coat. She looks desperate.
Yes, but she has her mother with her.
- That could slow her down, hmm? - Perhaps.
Now, 563 miles from here...
is a little town called Silver City, New Mexico.
- Gold rush. - Quite right, Nick.
Yes, they struck gold there in 1860.
It was the second largest gold rush in American history.
Very good, Nick. I think Nick should be our captain.
In downtown Silver City, there's a train station.
As you go in the front door, there's some lockers on the right.
Mr. Grisham, do you have the keys?
Six identical keys.
They all open the same locker.
That's locker 001.
Inside the locker is a red duffel bag. Inside the red duffel bag...
is $2 million.
In cash, fifties and hundreds, makes a pile about so big.
First one there keeps it all.
I put transmitting devices in your key rings to keep track of you.
And that's it.
Go.
You just can't pick people at random.
I can do anything I like, Owen. I'm eccentric.
Go!
Wait, wait. So, it's like a race?
A race. It's a race.
I hope I win.
What are the rules?
There's only one rule. Are you ready? Here it is.
There are no rules.
Go.
Go!
So now when you say, "Go," you mean just go?
Begin, commence, start moving.
Theoretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds.
So far, Mr. Schaffer is winning...
because he's nearest to the door.
You're crazy!
A race! A race! You have to pace yourself.
Carbohydrate is important. Pasta is good.
Breathing is important.
Scusi. One--
It's some sort of joke. It has to be.
What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million?
Maybe it's a publicity stunt.
What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.
-Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt. -A secret publicity stunt?
Yes!
I don't know what his angle is, but there's always an angle.
Donald Sinclair-- People like him make millions of dollars...
playing people like us for chumps.
- I'm nobody's chump. - So you don't believe--
11:30, nonstop to Chicago. I'm gonna be on it.
You know what? He's right.
I'm not cuttin' short my first family vacation...
in three years to go on some half-assed wild goose chase.
Okay, so, you're not goin' for it?
I don't think so.
- Not me, no. - No. Great.
- I guess that's that, huh? - Right.
It was nice meetin' y'all. I'm gonna take the stairs.
My room's just two floors down, so nice meetin' ya.
Hey, have a nice vacation.
You know, it's probably stuck.
I think I'm gonna take the stairs too.
Crap.
- Go, go, go, go! - Come on, Vera!
Watch out!
Comin' through!
Hold the door, please.
Take your time. No rush.
- Get up! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
If we're all gonna go for it, why don't we go for it together?
You know, split the money 50-50.
- Fifty-fifty? - You know what I mean. Whatever.
Yes, yes, that's a good plan.
It's a race. It's a race.
I'm winning. I'm winning.
And they're off!
No one-- No one is offering you action like this.
A horse race with animals that can think and plan...
and lie and cheat and play dirty.
It's the gambling experience of a lifetime.
It's my way of saying I understand men like you.
I know what you want. I know what you need.
This casino-- my casino-- is where you belong.
- I got it! - Excuse me!
- To the airport. - You got it.
We're out the door. I don't see you. Where are you?
- I forgot to tip the maid. - Forget the maid. There he is!
- Come on! Let's go! - Okay, okay.
Bev, this is a real job! I swear!
What is it?
The job? What's the job?
Ink for fountain pens.
- And they're in New Mexico? - Silver City, New Mexico.
I love New Mexico. Honey, we'll go with you.
- No! - Why not?
Because we've already paid for the room. Now look who's wasting money.
This was your idea to stop here.
I don't care about David Copperfield. We're on vacation. We'll go with you.
- But you don't understand-- - We will go with you!
- Fine. - Yes!
Fine. Fine. Here. Call the bellman. Have him bring the van around.
- You happy? You happy? - Okay.
Scusi. Scusi. I'm in a race. Scusi.
Scusi. It's a race.
- What is he doing? - I think he's sleeping.
- Sleeping? - He must be narcoleptic.
It's a rare sleeping disorder.
- But I bet on him! - So did I. Two million dollars.
I'm sorry, gentlemen. All the bets are locked in.
Sleeping! Sleeping!
- Look out! - Don't tell me how to drive!
It's only yellow. It's only yellow. Run it!
- Where's my video game? - Seat belts, everyone.
- Honey, what is the rush? - It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
You're not just a travel agent, Roger. You're an angel.
There's one charter plane available in Las Vegas.
We just bagged it.
- Back to pass. - Get rid of it.
- Looks to his left. - Get rid of it. Throw the ball!
That's why you're not gonna get drafted!
You'll be lucky to play arena football in Barcelona!
- You like football? - Sure.
Did you happen to catch that Dallas game last week?
It was an obscenity. It was a crime against football.
I lost 20 grand on that game! And they would have won!
Now I gotta work two shifts because of that idiot!
Stevie Wonder could have done a better job calling that game.
Where the hell's the airport?
One flip of the coin and the franchise goes straight down the crapper.
- That'll be 10.50, buddy. - Keep the change.
Thanks a lot. You have a nice flight. Yeah!
You know who that was?
That was the ref. The guy from the game? The coin toss!
Oh, my God! You're right! That was him!
I had him in the cab, and I let him go!
- Where are we going? - We gotta go. Come on. Just go.
- Go, go, go, go, go. - Chumps.
Excuse me. Hi.
- I'm not a creep or anything. - I don't have any quarters.
I never do this, but I'm reading the same book you are.
Look. See? Lindbergh.
It's fantastic, isn't it?
- What part are you on? - He just had a sex change.
Who did? Lindbergh?
- Sex change? - Yeah.
That's funny.
- I thought so. - That's funny.
I wouldn't be too proud of yourself though.
I'm the most gullible guy in Chicago.
Can I buy you a drink?
I can't. I'm flying.
- So, it'll relax you. - I mean, I'm flying. I'm a pilot.
Pilot? Are there a lot of female pilots?
There's at least one.
When I walk away, I'm gonna think of something great to say to that.
Good. Mail it to me.
Flight 115 to Albuquerque, New Mexico.
- Gate 17. You better hurry. - Four tickets to Albuquerque.
-Near the front of the plane. Please. -All right.
Come on!
This is so exciting. I've never been on a private plane before.
This is bigger than my condo.
- Gentlemen, what's our ETA? - One hour and ten minutes.
If you can do it in less than an hour, I'll buy you both dinner.
You're on--
- Watch it. Move. Excuse me. Move. - Move! Move! Move!
- Who was next? - I was!
- I was!
- What? You were not next! - Are you callin' me a liar?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am. We've been in line over 20 minutes.
- Is that the correct time? - Hey! Whoa!
Yes, it is.
- Who's next? - They were, right there.
Two tickets to Albuquerque.
I'm sorry. We're completely booked. There's nothing.
There's a 4:30, but you have to switch in Dallas.
What do you mean that's it? I'm not givin' up and neither are you.
And neither am I! I'll tell you something, brother.
If we're not flyin' outta here, no one is flyin' outta here.
That can't be good.
Duane!
No!
Blaine! Blaine!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit!
I can't!
What are you doin'? I don't know where to go!
- Move! - Trying to kill me?
Duane, stop the car! Stop the car!
Whoa, girl! Jesus!
Freeze everything, every flight. Get me Central Operations.
Attention all passengers.
Due to a technical problem with our radar tracking system...
all flights are postponed until further notice.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
We gotta go.
- Hurry up! - The bags?
Forget the bags! Let's go!
Comin' through!
- This is your license? - Yes, it is.
- Where was it issued? - In Guam.
Just head east, and I'm in a hurry.
Hello again. East it is.
We have a midsized Caprice.
- What color is it? - We don't care about color.
Just give us whatever car is parked closest to the door.
Ask about insurance.
Would you be interested in purchasing liability insurance?
- How much is it? - It doesn't matter. We'll take it.
Just hurry.
Hit enter. Now shift.
Shift key. Right there. Yeah.
Hey, watch it!
Bus! White people!
ldiot!
Okay, I've got one.
- What? - A great comeback.
I said, "Are there a lot of female pilots?"
And you said, "There's at least one."
I should have said, "Two if you count Lindbergh."
'Cause you said he had a sex change.
It's a work in progress.
- I'm Nick Schaffer. - Tracy Faucet.
So I guess you can have that drink now.
I told you I'm flying. I'm leaving for Roswell in five minutes.
Didn't you hear? Everybody's grounded.
That's for fixed wing. I'm in a chopper. We use a different system.
Roswell, New Mexico?
- You're flying to New Mexico? - We've been flying down all week.
They're repainting the whole fleet.
You can fly. Nobody else can fly.
But you can fly.
- And you're flying to New Mexico. - Yeah.
- But nobody else can fly. - Yeah.
Do you need a ride?
Come on!
- Coconut. - Coconut! Who had coconut?
I did.
Phil.
That's the kind of car that I'm gettin'.
- Yeah? Don't count on it. - Why not?
Because the Volkswagen Beetle was used by the Nazis.
I would not be comfortable driving around in one.
- So, don't drive it. I will. - Dad, I have to go.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do. I really do.
- We just stopped! - The bathroom was too gross.
- Well, can't you hold it in? - I can't! It's an emergency.
Honey, there's a restaurant.
That's three miles down and then back. We lose ten minutes.
So what? Your daughter has to go to the bathroom.
- Please stop, Dad. - All right.
Jason, look back there for an empty jar.
A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
All right, sorry.
Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.
Dad, I don't have to pee. It's number two!
- Sorry, I can't stop. - Dad, I'm prairie-dogging it.
What does that mean?
Like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.
I do not want to picture that.
Yes, sir, Silver City it is.
- Buddy. - It's about 700 miles.
- You don't mind, do ya? - Oh, no. No, no, I don't mind.
A job's just another job for me.
About how much you think that's gonna cost?
I wouldn't worry about it. Tell you what.
You just pay me whatever you think is fair...
'cause I trust your judgment.
I hate you. I hate you!
Nobody look. I'm gonna turn on the radio, so nobody can hear you.
I'll never forgive you. I hate you.
Nobody can hear you, honey. Push away.
I'm gonna drop you off there. There's a parking lot near the hospital.
- Great. Great. - So what's wrong with her?
-Who? -Your sister. You said it's serious.
Yeah. Shark bite.
- A shark bite? - Yeah.
They took her to Silver City?
They have a really good shark attack unit there.
How fast was I going?
- Where are we? - It's a shortcut I know.
-Maybe we should stick to the highway. -There's a thought.
You say stick to the highway. I say we should take my shortcut.
- Why don't we just flip a coin? - It's not what you think.
- Come on, you blind son of a bitch! - Wait! Stop it!
Give me that goddamn whistle! I'm gonna shove it up your ass!
Come back here!
Shit.
I'll kill him.
- Squirrel? - No, thank you.
We're looking for the interstate.
I get that a lot 'cause of the detour.
Now they've lost their way.
Now they can't go home. You sure you don't want one?
We're sure. Thank you.
They make crackerjack pets. I taught this one to shake hands.
He's not for sale though. Who wants to go home with the nice ladies?
"Pick me. Pick me. Don't be afraid. I don't bite.
- What's your name, pretty lady?" - Vera.
Ma'am, really. We're not interested.
Well, I'm not talkin' to you, am I? I'm talkin' to Vera.
What about Bucky here? He loves to climb trees and eat nuts.
Ma'am, we do not want a squirrel.
Do you or do you not know where the interstate is?
Of course I do. I'm not retarded. "Tell 'em about the shortcut."
Thank you, Bucky.
I almost forgot. There's a dandy shortcut.
It'll bring you right to exit 14. It'll save you 30 miles.
Now listen carefully.
You want to go straight down here exactly 1.8 miles.
- 1.8. - Make a left at Totem Pole Ranch.
Go 5.4 miles and you're gonna go up a big hill.
You'll see a big yellow sign with some graffiti on it.
Take the dirt road on the right. It'll take you to the interstate.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Wait a minute. Take some nuts with you...
just in case you see a squirrel, okay?
"Bye. Bye. You could have bought me."
You'll make it. You'll make it.
Where am I?
Wow! A Barbie Museum! Can we stop?
Sorry, Kimmy. We have a plan, and we're gonna stick to the plan.
Please, Daddy. Please, please, please, please, please.
- Hey, hey! - It's not fair.
We never get to stop anywhere I want to.
I'm sure Jason doesn't want to go to the Barbie Museum.
You kiddin'? I'll stop anywhere. I'm wiggin' out back here.
You need to pull over and stop to give the kids a break.
Yeah, okay, maybe on the way back.
- Stop the car. - I can't do that.
- We all need to stop the car. - No can do.
- You need to stop the car. - No!
Stop the car!
Okay, fine, but 10 minutes.
Wow! The Barbie Museum.
Klaus Barbie...
sometimes known as the Butcher of Lyons.
Let the Jew revisionists talk about their death camps...
and so-called crimes against humanity.
This museum is lovingly dedicated to the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows.
The husband, the devoted father, the wine connoisseur...
and three-time ballroom dancing champion.
Hey, hey, there's that guy, the "udgy" one.
Barbie joined the SS in 1935...
where he soon became one of the Fuhrer's favorite young officers.
Can we go?
Here we see him standing beside Hitler's touring car...
the very same car on display outside in our courtyard.
You're leaving?
What--
No-- Yes. Well, we have a 4:30 book burning, and then we have a--
- A christening. - Yes, a christening...
for one of our many white, Christian, non-Jewish friends--
-Family. Blood relatives. -The Himmler Hessin Von Sturichberg--
- Thank you so much. - Yes, love your do.
Thank you. It's beautiful. We had a great time.
Wow! A gift shop.
Yes, I know, honey. Next time. I promise. I really do.
Just go. Just go.
- Oh, my God! We've been cut! - What do we do now?
I say we take the interstate.
No, "ake" Highway "well." That's a shortcut.
You don't know what the shortcut is. It could be a dirt road.
You know what? There are "oo" of us. Why don't we separate?
- What? - There's "oo" of us.
"Amy" we should "ust" separate.
You're right. You're a genius. There's two of us.
If we separate and you steal a car, we can both go our own way...
and double our chances of gettin' there first.
All right. You take the--
We only got one "ee."
Look, there it is. Totem Pole Ranch, turn left.
1.8 miles exactly. All right, squirrel lady.
I can't believe it, Dad. You stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz.
Hitler had it comin'. What goes around comes around.
They're gonna be pissed.
They're always pissed. They're Nazis. It's like it's their job.
When we get to Silver City, we'll call 'em. We'll work somethin' out.
North?
A little detour. It'll just take a minute.
I just wanted to say hi to my boyfriend.
I can't believe it. That-- That son of a bitch!
That's Charlene's car.
-Charlene? -His ex-girlfriend, or so I thought.
Come on now. I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.
She probably came by just to pick up some clothes or--
Nice and warm.
What the--
Get down!
Did I come at a bad time, asshole?
I'll ram this helicopter right down your throat!
What are you doing?
Don't worry. My father's a navy pilot. I've been flying since I was 15.
I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me.
Shawn, you have a minute? I want to talk about our relationship.
Suck on that, creep!
- That's-- - Not the truck!
Oh, my God!
Come on. Help me. Open it.
I'm not comfortable--
- Open it! - Okay.
She's gonna kill me.
- We should get outta here. - Not yet!
You two-timing, backstabbing snake!
You worm! You turd!
My God! What was I thinking? I want my five months back!
I'm getting the tattoo removed!
Stop hitting me!
Where are you goin', baby? Wait for me!
- I think we just killed him. - You can't! He's like a cockroach.
Fix the--
Should we be this low?
Come on. Come on. Let's keep goin'. Come on.
We just violated about 115 federal laws.
- "We"? - I'm getting out of here. Coming?
I know things look bad--
Nice meeting you.
Get out of the truck, Shawn.
That's it, Tracy. You and I are through.
Wait!
Wait. This is the first illegal thing I've done in my adult life.
How does it feel?
I'm shaking, but that could be from the helicopter crash.
- Get out of my truck, Tracy! - It's my truck! I paid for it!
- Who is this? - Nobody.
- You are nobody. - Nobody.
You stay away from her, nobody, unless you're tired of livin'.
While you're here, do me a favor. Charlene left a bra in the truck.
Could you make sure she gets it? Thanks, honey.
Help!
- So where's the driver? - He's in the powder room.
Hell's bells. We're never gonna get to Santa Fe by 3:00.
- This is ridiculous. - Ridiculous.
I really wish he'd hurry. It just seems very unprofessional.
Mister, you gotta help me. My wife--
She's out back. She's having a baby.
- She's having a what? - A baby!
- She's having a baby? - And it's halfway out!
I can see the head!
- I need your jacket. - Why?
For her amniotic sac!
- Her amniotic fluid is gushing out. - Gushing?
The jacket! The jacket! Give me the jacket!
- And your pants. - My pants?
Your pants! Yeah, for her, you know, her "placentia"...
you know, and her labia and cervical--
Mucus gushing-- It's gushing.
It's just a hole and--
Quick! The pants. And the hat.
Why? Why my hat?
For her...
vagina.
Let's go, ladies. All aboard. We're on our way.
- What happened to Marty? - His wife's having a baby.
-A baby? -I'm Owen, your new driver. Let's go.
Quiet. Quiet, everybody.
Simmer down. Hey!
We're gonna be under way in just a minute. This is Owen.
He's our new driver.
Everyone say hello.
Hello, Owen!
Our next stop is the third annual...
I Love Lucy convention in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
- What do ya say? - Ba-ba-loo!
Ohh! Ohh !
- Is he dead? - Hey, mister, are you dead?
It's a race. It's a race. It's a race.
Run, run, like greased lightning.
Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
Not good. Not good.
Don't move! Stay there. I saw the whole thing.
I'll be right down.
Shit! Gloria Allred.
Hey, buddy? Buddy, you okay? You okay?
You're fine! You look great.
- You want to report this? - Taxi!
You don't need a taxi. Come on!
Where you goin'? Maybe I can drop you off.
Silver City, New Mexico. I am in a race.
Silver City? This is your lucky day!
I'm going to El Paso. It's right on the way.
Come on. But, look, I got to be there by 7:00 tonight.
- So I'm going to be driving fast. - Great.
Yeah!
You just want one copy, 'cause you get an extra one for half price?
Just one and hurry.
This is the best idea you ever had.
We split up. We take two keys. We double our chances of winning.
It can't fail.
- You remember where we're goin'? - Silver City, New Mexico.
Right. Train station, locker 001.
"Ero, ero," one.
Rule number one: discretion. Don't talk to anybody.
- I won't. I "romise." - I'm serious.
We're talking about $2 million in cash.
People would just kill us to get their hands on that key.
I love you.
All right, little brother, you steal a car.
I'm gonna try to steal that Corvette right there.
I don't care what you get as long as it's fast.
I'll meet you in Silver City. Don't forget your key.
That "other-ucking" bastard!
I'll kill 'im! I'm gonna--
There he is!
Go! Go!
Okay, we're at 2.4 miles.
There's the yellow sign with the graffiti.
- Turn right. - I see it.
- Do you see it? - I see it.
I just love this. This is like a treasure hunt.
- Slow down! - I can't!
Help!
I guess my favorite episode, if l had to pick one, would be episode 34.
Ladies, Lucys, Lucys, stay behind the line, please.
Remember that one when Ricky wouldn't take his hat off?
I don't remember that one. It sounds like a masterpiece.
How about the one where she got caught in the freezer?
Ma'am? Lucy! You have to put that out, please.
Lucy, your hair!
Thank you. I couldn't decide whether to keep it up or try something new.
It's on fire!
- Stop the bus! - We're not stoppin'!
Just put it out! Just put it out!
Stop!
The bathroom!